Hey Readers!
This is my first blog, so bear with me please ;) I've made a few attempts at starting blogs, and I always feel like I need to write this whole big spiel about who I am and what I've been through, but not this time! I'm just going to start at where I am now, and I'm sure bits and pieces of my past will sneak their way into every one of my blogs... :)
I am a point in my life where I really feel as though I know myself and who I am. I mean, I've always had a pretty clear sense of who I am, what my values are and all that, but I feel like I've learned so much more. I have come to realize what an optimist I am. There are times where I have literally not had anything to eat for 2 weeks while I was going through college and had to eat dinner at my parents' house and take food home for breakfast and lunch so that my daughter and I would have something to eat and I still didn't let that phase me. I never once thought to give up on school or got depressed or any of that. Life is hard at times, but people have it a lot harder, and that's what I think is in the back of my mind. I have a roof over my head, people I love surrounding me, a Social Service Work diploma under my belt and a motivation to get through the worst of times. Let's face it, no one ever told us life was going to be easy.
Even now, as I sit here typing this out with only enough money to pay rent for the month of July sitting in my wallet, I don't worry too much. Sure, I'm going to be giving my one month's notice in on the 1st and have no idea where we'll be going, and sure I won't be able to pay bills for that month, unless I use my GST refund that comes in, which I really should use for food.... but it will work itself out.
I've been waiting 3 weeks to hear back about a job in Alberta. They've called my references, did the phone interview, but are now waiting for a contract to go through (which may not). Every week I talk to her, it's the same thing, but that's okay... it'll be alright. If I don't get this job, there are plenty of other ones available... no need to worry there. I am lucky to have a family who cares for and are willing to support my daughter and I in the worst of times. Some of you may be reading this scratching your head and wondering what I'm going on about, truthfully, even I don't fully know!
I've made plenty of sacrifices to be a good mom. After all, I made the decision to stay pregnant at 18 years old. Get this, I got pregnant with the first person I slept with, my first love, my first move-in relationship... a lot of firsts (too many to name), and turned out to be my first abusive relationship (and preferably my last). I was 18 years old when I got pregnant, 19 when I had my daughter and she was 6 weeks old when her dad kept us at knifepoint for 3 days and shook her. She was also 6 weeks old when we packed up what little belongings we had and left her father with no money in our pockets. Again, it all worked itself out quickly, and we kept trucking along (thanks to maternity payments kicking in). When my daughter was 8 months old, I moved back to BC, and when she was 1 years old, I had to go on social assistance. When she was 2 years old, I got approved for 2 years of full funding for college, which is what I just finished. So again, see a pattern? :)
I suppose I write this for all of the people out there who don't, can't or just aren't willing to go on with life. To the people who think that there is nothing left worth living for... there is. There is always something out there... always a light at the end of the tunnel. So many suicides have happened around me in the past few months... my best friend's mom overdosed on alcohol and pills (purposely) and crawled back into bed to spend the rest of her living time next to her husband, my brother's friend across the street hung himself in the bathroom with his family upstairs watching a movie... friends' uncle, 13 year old down the street.. it's everywhere.. Life is always worth living for. It may not seem like it, but don't give up. Please reach out to someone, my heart breaks every time I hear of a new suicide. It's an out, yes, but not the way to do it. It may seem like an easy way out for you, but for your family and friends, it is a living hell for the rest of their life. So many things will remind them of you, so many happy memories tainted... please just reach out. Trust me, having lived through my own living hell, pregnant, physically and emotionally beaten.. I know what it feels like to think you're better off dead, but you're not. Grab on to the smallest hope you have and hang on to it. There are nights where I would hold on to my pregnant stomach and cry in emotional agony, but I would think of my family and friends and know that one day, this pain would be over and I would eventually be happy. Life always gets better, even when you don't think it could....
Always here
Laurie Koch
